23. Povestea despre cum mi-a salvat viata

E prea frumoasa ca sa nu o impartasesc si cu voi.

Draga Andra,

Scriu postarea asta ca un cadou de casa noua. O scriu pentru tine, dar mai ales pentru mine, ca sa nu uit niciodata. Sunt lucruri pe care le-am tot spus in postarile anterioare, dar vreau sa le adun pe toate intr-un loc. Vreau sa imi aduc aminte mereu de lucrurile pe care mi le-ai daruit.

Am avut multe dezamagiri in viata. Pe plan sentimental si nu numai. Am dat piciorul la facultate (da, stiu a fost decizia mea, dar au fost totusi niste ani pierduti). Am dat piciorul la o relatie care promitea atat de multe cu Corina. Am fost calcat in picioare si ridiculizat. Am ajuns sa nu mai cred in nimic. Am devenit un cinic desavarsit. Toate lucrurile astea mai aveau putin si imi striveau de tot spiritul. Am ajuns sa urasc lumea si sa regret ca m-am nascut in niste circumstante atat de vitrege. Eram la pamant.

Totusi nu am lasat asta sa se vada niciodata. Vulnerabilitatea nu era o trasatura de-a mea. Inghiteam totul si il incuiam adanc inauntrul meu unde imi manca incet, incet din suflet. Ajunsesem sa simt mirosul de putreziciune. Dar nu puteam sa ma deschid si sa eliberez tot raul din mine. Am fost invatat sa ma descurc singur. Ai mei erau mereu la serviciu si cand erau acasa, nu erau niciodata alaturi de mine. Adica nu erau alaturi de mine cum as fi vrut. Sunt constient ca ma iubesc, dar limitarile lor i-au impiedicat sa imi ofere caldura sufleteasca de care aveam nevoie. Bunica-mea, care mai avea grija de mine, s-a stins cand aveam noua ani. Bunicul s-a inchis in bautura si nu a avut timp de mine. Singurul lucru care il vedeam de la el erau doua oua prajite inainte sa plec la scoala.

Si asa am devenit rece. Am devenit nepasator. Am devenit un om de care nu avea cum sa se lipeasca niciodata fericirea. Eram constient de asta, dar ca in povestea cu drobul de sare, nu aveam puterea psiihica sa fac ceva in privinta asta. Priveam cum viata trece pe langa mine si am inceput sa ma resemnez. Patru ani de zile nu am stiut cum e sa ai fluturi in stomac. Patru lungi ani nu am mai simtit caldura unei alte fiinte langa mine. Interactiuni au fost, nu neg, dar nu a fost nimic special. Si eram gata sa renunt.

Dar o studenta la jurnalism a vazut ceva in mine. Si a vrut sa vada daca ceea ce simte se va confirma. Si a decis sa intre in viata mea. Nu a facut-o cu un scop precis. Nu stia ce o asteapta. Si nici eu. Faptul ca eram doi oameni care nu stiau absolut nimic unul despre celalt, la care s-a adaugat si mediul indirect in care interactionam, ne-a facut sa devenim foarte lejeri la vorba. Si ne-am spus fiecare of-urile. Eram relaxati. Gasisem fiecare cate o persoana careia sa ne destainuim fara sa ne temem ca vom fi judecati. Excesul de sinceritate ne-a facut mai apropiati.

Totul a evoluat extrem de repede. Nu ma mai recunosteam. Eu, cinicul, care imi pierdusem increderea in dragoste, devenisem din toate lucrurile, creativ. Pur si simplu mi-au fost deschisi ochii. Am aflat ca, totusi, lumea nu e asa de rea. Adica cel putin o singura persoana dintre toate era buna. Si m-a uimit cu bunatatea ei fara limite. Mi-a reamintit cat de frumos e sa daruiesti. Mi-a aratat compasiune si intelegere. Mi-a aratat ca, desi m-am abatut foarte mult, as putea sa regasesc calea cea dreapta. Mi-a redat speranta.

M-a facut sa caut adanc in sufletul meu si mi-a aratat toate senzatiile frumoase pe care le pot gasi acolo. M-a facut sa devin capabil de niste lucruri de care nu aveam habar. Mi-a reaprins pasiunea pentru scris. M-a incurajat si apreciat. A fost sutul in fund de care aveam nevoie sa ma trezesc la realitate. Eu nici acum nu imi dau seama cum poate exista pe pamant o fiinta ca ea. „Mai mult ca sigur e un inger care si-a pierdut aripile”, mi-am zis. Si cand am realizat asta, am facut din promisiunea ca o sa o ajaut sa si le regaseasca, scopul vietii mele. Am jurat ca o voi ajuta sa zboare din nou. Nu stiam la vremea aceea cum voi face asta. Nici acum nu stiu. Stiu doar ca acolo unde e vointa, e si un mod de a indeplini dorinta. Ea m-a invatat asta.

M-a invatat atat de multe! Cel mai important m-a invatat cum e sa iubesti neconditionat. Sa fii gata sa sacrifici totul pentru fericirea ei. M-a invatat ca e bine sa ma deschid si sa fiu vulnerabil. M-a invatat sa tin capul sus in fata a orice suferinta ce ne-o provoaca viata. M-a invatat sa sper la zile mai bune. M-a invatat sa nu ma mai gandesc la trecut. M-a invatat sa traiesc in prezent si, pentru prima oara in viata mea, am inceput sa privesc viitorul cu optimism.

Ei ii datorez totul. M-a salvat de la o viata fara sens. Mi-a aratat frumusetea in lucrurile simple. M-a facut sa apreciez tot ce am primit in viata. Pur si simplu mi-a infipt mana in inima si mi-a scos de acolo toata durerea. Si in sfarsit am fost liber. M-am simtit invincibil. M-am simtit extraordinar. Si, pe cuvant, era de ajuns pentru mine. Ceea ce simteam pentru ea imi dadea puterea sa merg mai departe. Dar nu s-a oprit aici. Mi-a daruit atat de multe incat nici nu am loc sa le scriu aici. Dar dintre toate, un lucru a fost cel mai de pret. Mi-a daruit iubire. Mi-a oferit inima ei, asa fragila cum era, sa am grija de ea. Iar lucrul asta e atat de imens pentru mine incat nici nu pot sa il cuprind in cuvinte.

Singurul lucru care ma intristeaza este ca ea nu isi da seama de lucrurile astea. Sau isi da seama dar ii e frica. E normal. Am patru ani de dragoste neimpartasita acumulata in mine. Si am ales, ca un prost, sa o expun la toata odata. Asemenea caldurii soarelui, daca te apropii prea mult risti sa te arzi. Si am invatat lucrul asta pe pielea mea. Dar nu e o arsura iremediabila. Timpul o sa o vindece. Timpul o sa ne vindece. Si iti promit ca te voi face sa realizezi ce fel de persoana esti. Iti promit ca iti voi arata tot ce ai facut pentru mine. Te voi face sa intelegi ca ce am scris aici nu sunt doar cuvinte, chiar e povestea despre cum mi-ai salvat viata. Si iti multumesc...

Yours forever,

Stefan.

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Stefan isi da cu parerea ampulea - Editia 1: Acces Direct

In aceasta prima editie de „Stefan isi da cu parerea ampulea”,  un nou proiect la care m-am apucat sa lucrez din cauza a prea mult timp liber, am ales sa vorbesc despre presa tabloida din Romania, in special de Acces Direct de la Antena 1.

Fratele meu, emisiunea asta e cea mai mindfuck dintre toate. Si nu e mindfuck in sensul ca iti provoaca intelectul intr-un mod constructiv, nu. Literalmente iti fute creierul in asa hal incat iti omoara din neuroni. De fiecare data cand citesti sau vezi ceva ce iti provoaca un sentiment de scarba si te gandesti ca ceva mai josnic nu exista, sa tii minte ca, undeva in lumea minunata a televiziunii, e o emisiune care coboara la cel mai penibil nivel.

Bai, ok, inteleg nevoia asta a natiunii de a afla ce mai fac vedetele de la noi. Unii chiar se simt bine cand vad ca nu stiu ce fotbalist si-o trage cu o asistenta tv, sau ca un mare afacerist se cearta cu nevasta-sa care l-a prins in pat cu un alt barbat. Dar frate, de la a prezenta stiri mondene pana la a le poci in halul cum o face Simona Gherghe e cale lunga. Si stii ce ma frapeaza? Simona Gherghe nu e o fata proasta. E chiar foarte inteligenta, isi stie treaba, e cu capul pe umeri. De unde si pana unde a ajuns sa prezinte mocirla aia de emisune, nu stiu.

Intotdeauna mi s-au parut super amuzante titlurile de stiri din tabloide. Sunt ceva gen „SENZATIONAL, NU O SA ITI VINA SA CREZI, O SA RAMAI PROST CAND O SA REALIZEZI CE SE INTAMPLA”  si cand colo e doar Andreea Marin care se scarpina in cur. O, nu, Zana are obiceiuri asa grotesti? Intolerabil. Hai sa scriem 5 pagini descriind modul nemaipomenit in care saraca incearca sa isi aranjeze chilotul care probabil i se freaca de anus. Mai trist e ca, dupa ce a citit titlul si a vazut despre ce e vorba, romanul de rand alege sa citeasca in continuare. Asa plictisit sa fii ma? Atat de neinteresanta sa fie viata ta incat singurul tau neuron se bucura la o asemenea diaree intelectuala?

Bianca Dragusanu. Nici nu  are rost sa spun mai multe. Acces Direct deja a devenit un reality show pt ea. Ar trebui sa redenumeasca formatul in „Bianca si ce si-a mai bagat in cur” sau „Ce cacat mai scoate pe gura blonda lui Bote”. In rest, oricum, jumatate din emisiune e despre viata ei. Bai si stau si ma uit (atunci cand ma duc la bucatarie sa fumez o tigara ca se uita ai mei) si nu imi vine sa cred cate lucruri neinteresante spun astia despre ea. Adica serios, pana si viata mea e mai interesanta si eu stau toata ziua si scriu, trollez facebookul si ma masturbez (nu neaparat in ordinea asta). Singurul lucru care l-a spus Bianca si mi-a placut a fost „Da, fara televiziune eu nu as fi existat”. Mare dreptate ai fata mea. Au ajuns astia sa ceara bani de la televiziuni sa apara in direct si sa faca pe nebunii. Bai nene, pe vremuri parca nu era asa.

A devenit o meserie pe bune sa fii vedeta tv. Tot ce trebuie sa faci e ori sa te futi cu un politician si sa vorbesti despre cum te-a violat, ori sa iti dai hainele jos si sa pozezi ca o stoarfa la pagina 5, ori sa te certi cu cineva neimportant pe un motiv neinteresant, dar sa te certi, asta conteaza. Adica nu, asa, oricum. Cu urlete, panarama, injuraturi si, daca platesc astia bine, cu bataie. Si oricine poate face asta. Probabil exista si siteuri de profil unde poti sa iti depui cv-ul, scrii acolo cum poti sa te faci cat mai de cacat in fata intregii natiuni si esti selectat sa apari la tv.

Si, ca sa inchei, revin rapid la Bianca pentru ca mi-am amintit niste faze de acum cateva saptamani. „Senzational, Bianca si Victor s-au dus intr-un restaurant”. Super interesant, dar asta nu e tot. „In tot timpul petrecut acolo Victor s-a intretinut cu o prietena de-a sa iar Bianca a stat numai cu ochii in telefon”, iar titul de stire suna cam asa „Bianca si Victor s-au despartit”. Pe bune ma muie, adica serios? Pai manca-v-as peleurile voastre de nostradami ai relatiilor, de unde si pana unde in cacat ati ajuns la concluzia asta? Si mai era una, „Bianca pleaca singura in Dubai”. „Bianca si Victor au divortat!”. Ba saracu S(c)lav asta, pare un baiat asa linistit, isi prezinta vremea lui acolo imbracat cat mai fancy. Ce i-o fi trebuit mai nene plasticitatea aia de superficialitate intruchipata? Deci serios, pizda-i pizda pana moare, pula-i pula cat e tare, dar chiar asa disperat sa fii?

In fine, am obosit sa ma mai mir. Ii las acolo in mocirla lor si ma mai amuz cateodata de prostia lor. Macar atat.

Pana data viitoare, ganditi liber.

Respect,

Stefan

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Pentru voi, povestea noastra se opreste aici

Dragii mei doi cititori,

Am decis de comun acord ca cel mai bine ar fi sa ne continuam corespondenta prin bloguri private. Asa ar fi cel mai corect pentru ca e urat sa o expun intregii lumi. Stiu, cititi asta cu lacrimi in ochi, dar nu am ce sa va fac. Sunt prea multe detalii personale ca sa continui sa fac publice scrisorile pentru ea.

Oricum, poate, atunci cand o sa vina finalul fericit, o sa postez aici ca sa va bucurati pentru noi. Pana atunci o sa folosesc blogul asta in continuare sa postez restul de lucruri care nu sunt legate de ea.

Sa ne citim cu bine,

Stefan.

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Coldplay

De patru zile ascult numai asta, in continuu. Altceva nu am mai ascultat. Nu stiu, compilatia asta ma linisteste si imi ofera claritate. Primesc inspiratia de care am nevoie pentru a exprima intr-un mod cat mai veritabil ceea ce simt. De mult timp nu m-a mai atins in asa fel muzica. E ceva sublim. V-o recomand daca vreodata va veti confrunta cu o situatie complicata si aveti nevoie de motivatie ca sa mergeti mai departe.

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Pentru Prieteni

Scriu postarea asta sa va multumesc ca ati fost alaturi de mine si ca ati avut rabdare cu toate prostiile mele. Va multumesc ca nu a trebuit sa trec singur prin asta. Sper ca nu o sa va suparati ca va folosesc numele reale. Daca e ceva, imi ziceti si le schimb.

Multumesc in primul rand Corinei. Ea a fost si acum, ca in nenumarate randuri, umarul pe care am putut sa plang. A fost mana intinsa atunci cand am cazut. A fost sprijinul de care aveam nevoie in perioadele urate din viata mea. Multumesc pentru sfaturile tale care ma ajuta enorm. Esti una din persoanele cele mai speciale din viata mea si sunt extrem de bucuros ca te cunosc. Nu pot sa exprim totul in cuvinte, esti atat de buna, de inteligenta si de cu capul pe umeri incat ma inspiri. Dar hai sa nu devenim prea sensibili, penis, vagin, deepthroat.

Multumesc Cristina. Multumesc pentru ca mi-ai imprumutat si mie din puterea ta. Multumesc pentru ca prin sinceritatea si duritatea ta ma readuci cu picioarele pe pamant. Iti pretuiesc sfaturile si ti le apreciez. Esti unul din cele mai frumoase suflete pe care le cunosc si iti sunt recunoscator ca ma asculti si ca ma ajuti. Ma uimesti pe zi ce trece cu integritatea ta. Esti echilibrul de care aveam nevoie in perioada asta. Esti sutul in fund care ma readuce pe calea ea dreapta. Si pentru asta voi accepta sa imi dai o palma peste ceafa cand o sa ne vedem.

Multumesc Bogdan pentru ca esti o evadare din lumea asta. Micile noastre discutii in podul casei tale, la o cafea si o tigara, m-au ajutat sa uit. M-ai distras de la toate problemele pe care le am pe cap. 

Multumesc Catalin pentru ca esti acolo. Si pentru ca ma amuzi. Si pentru ca stiu ca ma iubesti. Iti multumesc pentru poeziile tale care ma patrund. Tot vroiai tu sa ma patrunzi si sa ma penetrezi. Ei bine, ai facut-o deja. Esti una din cele mai complicate persoane pe care le cunosc. Esti Sangele Negru care imi curge prin vene. Si esti un nesimtit ca facebookul tau nu iti afiseaza notificarile de la mine. Dar te iert.

Multumesc Filip pentru ca esti alaturi de mine si pentru ca simpatizezi cu mine. Multumesc ca esti fericit pentru mine si ca esti trist pentru mine. Sper sa gasesti si tu persoana aia care sa iti ofere ce meriti. Fruntea sus! Daca eu am gasit-o e imposibil sa nu o gasesti si tu. Abia astept sa vii in Romania.

Nu in ultimul rand, multumesc Razvan. Esti atat de retardat in lucrurile pe care le scrii incat ma amuzi. Imi distragi atentia intr-un mod idiotic si relaxant in acelasi timp. Si stiu, ca acolo adanc, esti la fel de trist ca mine. Dar e genial ca nu ne plangem de mila unul altuia. Imi pare rau ca prietenii mei de pe facebook au impresia ca esti un debil mintal. Dar nu conteaza. Esti un Cartman veritabil. Poate daca o sa ne mai vedem vreodata, o sa imi calc pe inima si o sa iti dau pana la urma acei three fity pe care ii meriti.

Cam atat am vrut sa va spun. Nu am vrut sa o lungesc inutil. Vreau doar sa stiti ca puteti apela la mine oricand pentru orice problema. Fie ea sentimentala sau nu. Voi fi aici, voi fi recunoscator si bucuros ca pot sa va ajut. Aveti grija de voi!

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Intermission

Ce rahat se intampla? Eu nu mai inteleg nimic. Nimeni nu stie nimic. Nimeni nu vrea sa imi explice. Nu merit. Am exagerat. Nu trebuia sa fac asta. M-am grabit. Creier prost. Abia ma linistisem. Am vrut sa fac ceva dragut. Consider ca am reusit. Atunci de ce atata drama? De ce block. De ce respingere. De ce nici un semn. Nu merit. Nici tu nu meriti. Nu a fost intentia mea sa suferi. Macar cu ce am gresit? Spune-mi, sa nu ma mai urc pe pereti. Nu merit. Sunt confuz. Nu stiu ce am facut. Am o idee, dar e stupida. Doar dintr-atat? Vrei sa te las in pace de tot? Pot sa fac si asta. Dar da-mi o explicatie. Nu ma lasa asa. Nu e corect. Nu e drept. Nu esti tu. Nu a insemnat nimic? De ce asa brusc. Ce-am facut. Spune-mi ca sa nu imi mai dau pumni in cap. Cum pot sa ma fac auzit? Cum pot sa ma fac inteles? As da orice. As face orice. Pentru tine. Pentru noi. Dar mai ales pentru tine. Pentru mine era de ajuns. Era in regula. Ma simteam bine. Am dormit bine. Am dat-o in bara din nou. Prostule. Prostule. Prostule . Prostule. Prostule. Prostule . Prostule. Prostule. Prostule . Prostule. Prostule. Prostule. Ea te-a avertizat. Dar n-ai ascultat. Vreau sa ii fie bine. As da orice. Vreau sa stiu doar de ce. Nu merit? Nu merit. Nu accept. Trebuie sa merit. Macar atat. O firimitura. Sa nu ma simt ca ultimul om. Liniste. Migrena. Control. Mi-e frica. Ma doare ochiul. Cel lipsa. Ma doare deasupra. Ati revenit hienelor. Pastile. Las ca vedeti voi. Nu ma doborati. Am cazut. O sa ma ridic. Eventual. Chiar daca nu imi spui motivul. O sa imi revin. O sa dureze mai mult. Dar imi revin. Sunt puternic. Sunt stapanul propriei mele sorti. Sunt maestrul papusar al vietii mele. Sper sa fii bine. Sper sa incepi sa iti revii. Daca tu consideri ca asa trebuie. Asa trebuie. E greu. Dar accept. Si o sa fiu aici. Acum. Totdeauna. Cand o sa fi fericita. Adu-ti aminte. Cauta-ma. Fa-ma si pe mine din nou fericit. E pacat. Am ras azi. Ras fortat. Imi e greu sa port o masca. Ma ingradeste. Vreau sa fiu liber. Vreau sa fiu fericit. Nu merit. Sunt un prost. Mi-am facut sperante. Am visat frumos. Degeaba. Inutil. Data viitoare nu. Nu o sa mai fie o data viitoare. Nu mai merge asa. Preferam sa se termine altfel. Daca tot se termina. Preferam sa imi bag eu picioarele. Imi era mai usor. Dar asa brutal. Merit? Nu merit. Ba merit. Nu stiu. Am nevoie. Nu stiu de ce. De ceva. De cineva. Ma invart in cercuri. De ce? Nu stiu. Nu e corect. N-am gresit cu nimic. Astept. Timpul trece greu. Nodul din stomac nu mai dispare. Nici migrena. Mai luam o pastila. N-am mancat nimic azi. Ma autodistrug? Nu. Imi trece. Am si eu voie. Nu e genul meu. Dar odata la ceva timp trebuie sa pun armele jos. Trebuie sa ma predau. Trebuie sa ating fundul. Trebuie sa privesc sfarsitul in ochi. Altfel nu am cum sa ma ridic. Inca astept. Ceva. Un semn. Un cuvant. O propozitie. O fraza. O revenire. O reconciliere. O explicatie. Nu merit? Nu merit. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu. Nu stiu.

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Letter to my future self

I always dreamed about being a time traveler. Needless to say I’m a huge Dr. Who fan. Anywhore, I am more curious about the past than the future. I mean, ok, like every living person I wonder what the future will hold, how the world would be in fifty, one hundred, one thousand years from now. Still there’s something about going back that appeals to my curiosity. I guess it’s because of that feeling you get after you go to a place which you haven’t visited in a long time and you are amazed by how much it has changed. You start to draw in your head the way things used to be, trying to figure out what to put where and you get confused. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good kind of confused, it’s like food for the soul, heat for the heart. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I feel somewhat mesmerized when I look at things that way.

Now that I fucked your brain a little and gotten you confused, it’s time to get down to business. You’re reading this in 2033 and you’re probably wondering who I am. I’m you, dumbass. That much you’ve changed? You can’t even remember how you used to be? Oh don’t tell me you don’t like to write about all kind of stupid stuff that goes through your mind anymore…You probably turned out to be a slave to conformity. Did the modern society eat up the last bit of yourself or what?

I keed, I really have no idea what kind of a person you are. Maybe you finally got your shit together and made a life for yourself. My only wish is that you haven’t forgotten how liberating it is to write. Expressing yourself is a true exercise for the mind and upgrades your thinking. The one thing I’m sure of is the fact that you probably forgot why you wrote this in the first place. I’ll tell you why: it’s because you used to like remembering how things used to be and compare them with how they are right now. Well let me tell you a bit about how things are right now, in 2013.

I rediscovered my passion for writing. I don’t do a great job at it, but it’s a nice way to pass the time and stay in touch with my feelings. I also found that writing in English helps me better express the things I think about. The reason I started writing again is because I feel I have so much to give and nobody to give it to. So I literally started giving it to nobody in particular. I wrote a poem for all the girls in the world that don’t have love in their life. That’s how I met her. My inspiration. The one who jumpstarted my heart. One of the best things that happened in my life. It evolved so fast that in no time I had ideas for a poem just for her. And even more than that. I swear, as I am writing this, using more of my brain than my heart, I find it hard to organize my thoughts. But when I write about her, words have a mind of their own and I’m just the vessel that helps them be brought to life. And after you read this, read the other stuff too and try to remember the way you felt when you were me.

That’s pretty much what’s going on with me right now that deserve to be accounted for. The rest you probably can remember, first year of second college, still unemployed and living with your parents, pretty boring life overall. As a flash news magazine, here are some random stuff:

-          Romania’s football team lost to Greece at the world championship qualification play-offs

-          Your first car has reached 140000 kilometers of use

-          You have a Motorola smartphone that you hate

-          You started shaving your chest again

-          You wanted to have a no-shave November but your mom didn’t agree with that

-          You play the guitar but suck at singing

-          You don’t have a girlfriend

-          You haven’t had sex in three months

-          You haven’t had a serious relationship in three years

-          Your computer is making you insane by breaking apart a lot

-          You haven’t masturbated in a week. Hmm, be right back

-          I’m back. I needed to drink a glass of water, pervert!

-          You started reading again

-          You’re trying to quit smoking (hope you finally succeed)

-          You stopped playing World of Warcraft after six years

-          Your first niece is sixteen months old

-          You’re anxious about meeting that girl for the first time in real life

That’s pretty much it. Don’t know anything else to say. Tell your son, or daughter, or both that I love them. I hope you become the person you always wanted to be and that you enjoyed reading this. Oh and I hope you’re still alive.

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What's this I'm feeling?

“Is this the real life?”

 I really don’t know anymore. I never thought that I could ever feel something this powerful, this beautiful. I was ready to lose hope. I was ready to accept my fate, to lay down my weapons and surrender to the nothingness that life was offering me. But then she appeared…it was in a such a random way that one might think the universe moved some things around in order for me to know her. And this gave me hope. I realized that I was not forgotten, that someone or something out there is watching my struggle and decided to shine a ray of hope in my life. Thank you, whoever or whatever you are, you really opened up my eyes.

“Or is it fantasy?”

At first I thought it to be unreal. I mean, how can she be such a good person? Where did she come from? How did she end up so compassionate and kind and loving and caring and sweet and such an inspiration? The answer is simple: all the negative stuff in her life was the fuel for her strength. She learned how to smile in the face of bad luck and how to take all the bad experiences and turn them into life lessons. And that made her wiser. She is wiser than any person I know. And she doesn’t even know that. She doesn’t even know the extent of her powers yet, and it will be my mission to show her that. So yea, it’s not a fantasy, it is the real life, as real and pure as it can be.

“Caught in a landslide”

That’s the way I feel. Going round and round and never reaching the exit point. This is a carrousel of unnamed feelings that I’m going through. I don’t know what to make of it. My head is spinning like I’ve been going in circles for a long time. It’s hard even for me to understand what I am feeling, and it has never happened in my life. It’s the first time I’m so powerless in the face of my own feelings, my own soul trying to detach from my body, telling me it belongs to someone else.

“No escape from reality”

There’s really no escape from reality then? I guess you can avoid many things in your life, all but your feelings and your heart’s desires. It’s scary at first. You don’t know how to react, you’re feeling powerless and vulnerable, and that scares me a lot. I try to never be vulnerable. It's one of my biggest flaws and one of my best qualities too. It is unhealthy, I know, but it’s the only way I know how to live. I try to hide my sorrows and lock them up deep inside me, where they are probably making my soul rot. But for the first time in a long time I feel vulnerable, and I’m ready to accept it. I am ready to give myself to her without feeling scared of what it may come. I know I can trust her, but  does she know that she can trust herself?

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see"

Open them! Oh please try to see what I see in you…try to see the strength that inspires, the warmth that comforts, the beauty that bewilders…look up and take the vastness of the world in. Take a deep breath and easily exhale, and in that short moment of serenity you will see the things the way they are. Take a moment from your time and think about it. Think about what made me so drawn to you and embrace it. I promise it’s the most perfect feeling of all. Try to think about yourself for a minute. Stop trying to be so absorbed by all this bad aura that you surround your heart with. And accept it. Take it in and squeeze it tight, this will be your new life fuel. And take my word for it, I have plenty of it to spare.

"I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy"
Such a cliché right? Boo hoo, nobody loves me, I’m so sad I don’t need anyone to tell me otherwise. But I lie. I am being loved. My parents love me, my closest friends love me and she loves me the way she loves all people. So why do I feel so empty then? Well because there’s that one spot in my soul, that looks like a hole drilled with a pick hammer, a void that sucks in all the life I have. That’s the thing that makes me so poor. I crave for that kind of love that fills and cauterizes that scar. I crave for that feeling that I create in someone whenever they see me. I don’t need them to show it to me. I just want to know that it’s there. Do I need sympathy? Am I that vulnerable? I like to think otherwise, but in the light of recent events I feel how my frozen heart is starting to warm up, and who knows, maybe soon I’ll be able to truly understand what’s happening right now, to give a name to this thing that I’m feeling right now, this warmth that melts the icecaps around my lonely heart. I hope it happens soon because deep down I know that this might just be the thing that gives my wings back and sets me free.

PS: My biggest fear right now is that I'm overwhelming you...and I apologize for that, but know this: the thing I wrote about above is probably the deepest I've ever looked inside me, and I thank you for giving me the inspiration to put into words the way I feel. You asked me what we are, and I avoided saying friends. Not because we're less than that, but because we're much more. This is the only thing that I can't put into words. It's something so special, and because I've never felt it before, it's hard for me to know what it is. But I know that this might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

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Story of My Life

I was born in a small town near Ploiesti, in Romania. I was a naughty child, even though everybody was under the impression that I’m very quiet and good. They even used me as an example to other naughty kids. I like to think that I was very smart, by the age of 5 I could easily do math problems and read with no impediment. In kindergarten my teacher often asked me to read slide films subtitles. All in all I was above average.

Being such and adventurous and unsettled child, at the age of six I had an accident and lost my right eye. I was haunted for many years by this handicap, especially because kids were very mean. But along the way I met some friends that taught me to accept and embrace my problem and in no time I was talking and joking freely about it

I had my first kiss on the mouth in 6^th grade I think. It wasn’t all that nice, especially because she said afterwards that we need to take it down a notch and wait before making out properly. I was a real ladies man, if you can say that about a middle school boy, I had many admirers and before 8^th grade I had like 3 or 4 girlfriends. Of course, having a girlfriend at that age meant only holding hands and sitting next to her in the classroom.

I had my first love in 11^th grade. She approached me first, since I was a very shy boy at the time. My first thought was that she was playing a very cruel joke on me, her being so beautiful and all. But she wasn’t. She really liked me and we started going out. I remember when she first told me that she loved me I was lost in those words, I felt I was invincible and that I could fly and, of course, I had a mega boner. We had some really fun times together. She taught me a lot about love, life and all kind of stuff and I was, for the first time in my life, really happy. But like all good things, it wasn’t meant to last and after a while we kind of drifted apart and broke up. We still stay in touch though, she’s a great person to know.

My second and last real love happened when I was in first year of college. I really can’t compare the two, but I will say at least that this one was more mature and much more powerful. The great thing was that we had a lot in common, we played lots of video games and she kicked my ass a lot at quake 3. She still does. We had our first kiss on the 27^th of December, our name day, which made it all the more special. The problem with this relationship was that it was a long distance one and it was hard on both of us. We made it work, though, for about seven or eight months and because by the time it started to go downhill I wasn’t the best boyfriend to her so she eventually decided to end it.

I was really broken up about it mainly because it’s true what they say, you don’t really appreciate someone until you lose them. We haven’t spoken for about two months and the way we started speaking again was me drunk texting her to come and have a one night stand with me. Oh how lame I was at the time. But things took a turn for the better and now we are very good friends and she’s one of the few persons that truly understands me and believes in me. I can’t thank her enough for all the things that she has done for me, for all the times she helped me solve my problems.

Since her I really haven’t been able to maintain a serious relationship. I don’t know why. Maybe I was to shy to ask a girl out or maybe I haven’t found the right girl yet. I had a few crushes, the most serious last year. We hang out a lot, we used to jam, me playing the guitar and she with her beautiful voice. I really started to like her even though everybody was owondering why. She was a very complicated person, and even I had a hard time understanding her. But i liked her with all her flaws and weird stuff. We were great together. But it went downhill when I pulled the Ted Mosby stunt on her and told her I loved her. She freaked out and said she won't talk to me anymore. That messed me up a bit for some time, but with the help of my friend and a lot of thinking, i got over it.

We started talking again after one month or so, but it was never gonna be the same. I still had some feelings for her, but I decided that it was for the best to hide them. The sad part was that she told me one time she was considering getting together with me but then I said what I said and she got scarred. Fuck my life very much, thank you. Another thing that kind of unsettled me was that she was so freely talking about her boyfriends and her sex life, but I never told her that bothered me. Not at that time at least. We currently don't talk anymore mainly because I was so needy and she wasn't always there, she ignored me a lot and when I confronted her about it she said i'm an asshole. So there's that.

At the moment,  all I know is that I am ready to love. I am still searching for that one person that will understand how much warmth I have to give, that will accept all my craziness and that will understand the kind of person that I am. And to that girl I say this: I will find you, I will meet you and I will make you love me like you have never loved before. Just be patient because I kind of suck at things. But I know one thing, I promise that I will show you the heights on which love can take you and you will never have to be sad again.

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Thank you!

I am writing this in order to express everything I couldn’t in my previous poem, and  those who know her and have read the poem have figured that I have a lot more to say. I know I will probably overwhelm her and I promised that I would stop doing that, that I would try to find a balance, but the heart gets what the heart wants, and the heart wants to express itself in writing. I cannot mess with my heart’s desires, especially because it has been so kind to me and showed me all these awesome feelings. So here it goes.

Thank you for being you. I know, that’s so cliché for me to say, but it’s the truth. Thank you for being the awesome person that you are. Thank you for letting me know you and thank you for who you really are. I know that it was hard for you to open up the way you did with me, and I feel blessed that I inspired you the trust to do that. Thank you for appreciating me and for making me feel alive. Your kind words have touched my soul and imprinted themselves like a tattoo on a soft skin.

Thank you for sharing with me your life’s story. That made me not take things for granted anymore, especially my health. You have impressed me with your strength in the face of adversity and the way you turned what it could have been a horrible experience into a river of happiness and joy has left me speechless. You are one of the kindest, selfless persons I have ever known and I never thought that someone like you could exist.

The way you see the good in every person mesmerizes me. I cannot imagine how big your heart must be in order to love every single person the way you do. But it also concerns me, I hope you don’t forget about yourself too, because if you love everybody, who will love you? First you need to learn to love yourself. No more bullshit about not being  worth it, or not  having luck finding someone. You will find someone. You will find that person that will love you for who you are, that will understand the greatness of your spirit, that will give you back your wings and help you fly. Only then you will understand completely what happiness is. It’s the way he looks at your morning face and thinks “God, this is your most beautiful creature among all”. It’s the way he touches your skin and makes your hair rise. It’s the way you feel a knot in your chest when he kisses you.

I understand the happiness you feel when you help someone, I feel it too, it’s one of the reasons to be alive. But I promise, you’ll feel truly liberated when you’ll find true love. You will truly feel invincible and all the problems will go away. But first you have to start thinking about yourself. You have to look in the mirror and say “I’m the prettiest girl I know” without feeling narcissistic about it. You have to understand that in order to fill that spot in your heart, you have to be ready to accept it, without fear of messing it up.

And I might just teach you do that, if you’ll let me. 

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Lifechanger

This is it, don't know where to start
I met a girl, as it always begins
To write about her is really, really hard
She's the violin and my soul, its strings

It's difficult to put into words
And to describe the kindness of her heart
It's like trying to fit the whole ocean
In a single, awesome work of art

But it's a shame and, really, it's a crime
That nobody has ever written
A story with or maybe without rhyme
But I will, because I have lots of time

So I'll try, from my lonely, little soul
To show you all who have yet to meet her
How she can take your entire heart hole
To shape it so it will love forever

You'll se her smile and stare deep into her eyes
She'll overwhelm you with beauty from the start
But know that behind her warm look lies
A story that will surely break you heart

But she learned to embrace the pain she felt
And turn it into fuel for her dreams
I swear, she makes my whole being melt
And makes loving her easier than it seems

I must confess, she saved me from a life
Where i thought that good will never win
In which I've seen only evil and strife
Made me see how big of a fool i've been

She's the spark that sets the night on fire
She's the hope of a brand new day
She can love and she can inspire
She will pick you up and help you find your way

Before I finish, I just want to say
You're beautiful, and kind and warm
Let nobody make you change the way
You love us all humans, even those who harm.

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Random Thoughts

It's not the fact that I exagerate when I like someone, and start being sweet and charming to enter her graces that bothers me. It's the fact that I risk being taken advantage of that doesn't give me peace.  I know I overreact sometimes and overwhelm her, but it's the only way I know how to express my feelings. I  am  often told that  I have to search for that middle ground, that state of  equilibrium between being nice and a total asshole, but it's not that easy as it might seem. On one hand, being nice and thoughtful might give her the feeling that i'm desperate and she'll grow tired of my romanticism and sweet bullshit and she'll stop respecting me for that.On the other hand, if I am distant and cold, she'll live under the impression that I don't like her.

As you can see, I'm in a bit of a pickle here. It's hard to go blind in the quest of making a girl like you, especially if you don't know much about her. But the only aspect that has to be taken into consideration is the following: is she worth the trouble? Sometimes I wonder myself if I'm doing all of this for nothing. I fool myself that what i feel for her without asking for nothing in return is enough for me.  But it's not, not by a long shot.

I sometimes fall asleep thinking of new ways to conquer her, but the only things that I come up with are the things I've already done, and of which she grew tired of. I sense that in her. Girls want to be put on a pedestal, yes, but they also need to know that you're a strong person, a person that will not bend his principles for nothing, a person who will not beg for anything in his life.

I really don't know why I'm like that, why I try so hard. I guess I'm too passionate about the things that I love. I'm probably to scarred of the dissapointment caused by not getting what I want,  even if it sounds like I consider women objects. But I don't! I absolutely love them. I think they are all beautiful in their own way and that they all deserve to be happy. I'm willing to even sacrifice my own happiness for theirs without a second thought. But it's hard as hell to make them realise what they mean to me, to see me for who I am, to accept me with my crazy and my thoughtfulness.

I must probably accept that I will never understand women, and probably nobody will, even if there are a few that claim they did. It's all bullshit. You can't understand something that doesn't want to be understood, for which it's only goal is to be mysterious. They all want to be loved but they make it hard as fuck to love them. They put us through all these hoops and trials too se if we're worth it until we start to wonder if they are really worth it. But they are. Being loved by a woman is the most inspiring feeling tht you can have. It changes you, it makes you feel important and appreciated, it takes your heart to hights that you weren't aware they exist.

You are worth it, I hope you know that, but please, stop making it so hard on me.

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Ode to an Unknown Girl

Birds may fly and waters flow
But I wonder if you know
That the trees will grow a mile
For your pretty little smile

If you open your big eyes
That stare deep into my soul
I will reach and touch the skies
Make your happiness my goal

I don't know you, but no matter
I just know that you can be
My most precious alma mater
To my heart you have the key

If you're lonely and not sure
If your life has deeper meaning
Just know that i'll find a cure
For your heart and you'll start dreaming

And i'll make you realize
That you're worth more than you think
It may come as a surprise
I'm your only missing link


I will take you as you are
And embrace your flaws and dreams
I have wished upon a star
And have loved you ever since

For your happiness and joy
And your pretty little smile
I will sacrifice my own
Just to hold you for a while

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